Back from the dead...sort of.

Hello fellow infertile bloggers... Sorry to have been away for such a long time. My wife has been asking me to write many times over, and someone has recently commented on how they would like to hear more about my opinions on these matters.

Truthfully though I haven't been in the mood to write - In my mind I haven't had time, for I felt a need to work-work-work to get a job - as you know from my wife's blog, our lives have been stagnant for a very long time. First of all career-wise, since moving here and getting my masters' I have soon determined that maybe the my choice of career was not the best one for me. It kinda sucks when you've been pressured by your parents your whole life to succeed and to do well in school and to realize that maybe a mistake has been made, because when I think about electrical engineering these days (computer engineering), I cringe. Luckily, in the most recent of times I've started upon a new path that's engineering-related (so I can at least somewhat please my parents and maybe make a decent living too), and also related to my relatively new-found sense of socio-environmental consciousness. That at least feels right.

Secondly, I realize that even though I've been coming out of my shell socially, and more, I have to admit that I don't think about things too deeply, or even at all sometimes. My entire life has revolved about career & money, my parents show little or no affection for each other (except superficially), and I've always been attracted to the inner worlds, primarily the metaphysical & the occult. Anyway, I'm having alot of trouble in my life with balance: primarily because I have this mindset that I need to work my ass off in order to get a job (studying,applying,networking,etc). And with the constant reminder from my parents regarding that I should always be looking and "how many resumes did you send out today" - I am constantly thinking about keeping my financial ship afloat. I am lost in a sea, barely keeping my head above water.

With my mind so focused on career and financial security (stability), I have a hard time thinking deeply about stuff that really matters - family, friends, & giving back.

Since I'm in the middle of job-changing insecurities, and financial instabilities. A place where I've been before - but did the same thing that I have always done - Worked Hard (also from working at a startup company for 3 years and having entrepreneurial parents who worked hard their entire lives) - I have just recently decided to try something different.

I will trust God/Spirit more to lead me to the situations where I will come upon the most perfect career/financial opportunities, when I put my intention out to the universe. I will drastically change my approach to life. I'll still study/apply/network, but this time with alot less seriousness. I'm starting to spend more time meditating, calming my energies down so I can deal with the days. I have recently started a workbook that I _actively_ work from thinking about issues: from manifestation of my goals, self-improvement stuff, spiritually-based exercises for growth, and to things that I should ponder in my life - the deep stuff. The stuff that I don't spend time looking at because it's too serious. Too painful to think about. I realize that to create positive change in my life, I need to change the way I think - to actually think - to ponder, to brood, to face the uncomfortable feelings that come along with thinking. Family is very important to me, but my rat-race ways have been keeping me away from my core.

Time for change.

For a long time as I warmed up to the idea of having kids, I thought about them all the time and looked out for them in the outside world. Now, Although I see them and love to see how cute they are, I realize that there is a feeling that's missing - my feeling of everlasting hope of having a child. With our financial challenges, I don't see us moving forward towards our attempts at IVF or international adoption. I see my wife depressed, without excitement of life, and I've fallen into a funk myself - not knowing how to solve this problem. I'm a solver - and maybe I'm not a good solver, but at least I like to try, usually. Perhaps I'm in the same state as my wife, but I don't claim ownership of it like she does. I just pretend that everything will work out - put on a smiling face - and pray for the best. I spend alot of my conscious time trying to connect spiritually, but emotionally, I've been not-there. It's difficult to be emotionally brave. At least some of it is at my attention. I just hope that I can stick with the momentum of this paradigm shift to really change.