Tonight's been a tough night... What seemed like a normal end-of-day has now erupted into infertility fight-night. Perhaps it has been culminating for a long time, months since the lack of successful conclusion to our IVF treatments. Today I received a wonderful email offering love & hope from my Israeli friends whom I'm going to be staying with for a few days during my business trip at the end of this week. We were given recommendations for a doctor, and some strategies for getting IVF in Israel. We were both very touched at the care from my friends that I haven't seen in over 3 years.
Anyway, I don't know what to do. I wish I had some people to talk to about my feelings, or my sense of detachment. I feel that I can't talk to my wife about my pollyanna good hopes, or the confusion that I feel in my life regarding regarding what to do next. During our last fight I admitted to being selfish and unconnected. So, I bought myself a Dr. Laura book on the subject which although it's certainly helpful, it does take time to read, plus it takes some real paying-attention to what's going on around you to try to give attention where it's needed. Our house has become a pack-rat haven with items to be sold on E-bay, but not going anywhere for months. I'm feeling very confused on where to place my time and effort. I'm lucky that I have a job to go to that I absolutely love, and at home, I have noticed on & off that my wife has her ups and downs, as usual. After our neighbor got pregnant, she's become more depressed, struggling with dealing with a pregnant neighbor/friend that's more like family.
For me, I've just parked myself onto my Dr. Laura book and my Conscious Conception book. This book is perfect for me... I love it. I feel kinda lost with respect to a strategy, but I love how that book is perfectly aligned with my spirituality - the idea of keeping track of my wife's mucus, and paying attention to her body. The problem is that I think I'm a bit late. She would have loved it if I were into this sort of thing 3-4 years ago. But thinking back, it wasn't my time. My new agey self tells me that the perfect time is NOW - that all will be ok as it is supposed to be. I believe this. I don't believe in rushing into something that you're not wholly connected to, although I've done this before. Like buying my houses, and some other things, I'm a slow mover - Alex has prodded me along and after we move into these new spaces of being, I think, "Hey, that wasn't so bad" - but it tires her. She's starting to feel the IVF push again. Especially after reading a book like Conscious Conception, I feel myself drawn to natural methods (so far), spiritual things. I'm teased into thinking along the lines of "What does she gain from not getting pregnant" - Stuff that would put me into infertility jail. In truth, the pollyanna side of me believes all will happen in time.
The problem arises if there is something 'I' need to do to make it happen. Do I need to change my thinking? Do I need to push for another IVF cycle? Alex would like me to take charge, but I'm about 3-4 years behind her, trying to connect to my inner father. It's a wierd feeling when you don't know how to connect to something that drives you over the edge to do anything and everything to make it happen. I know that Alex is feeling this. The problem for her in addition to her body is me.
I don't push these things. I move along at my own pace. Honestly, I am trying to race through this book hoping that it stimulates my fertility awareness and my compassion and ultimately gives me the impetus to take charge of my family. To become the leader who pushes past my wife's depression and say that we will do it no matter what! Now, in my mind, I do support this. I'm not afraid of money like I used to be. I am willing to move forward with this, but my soul wrestles with this unnatural process. My soul craves for this to happen naturally. All the while, my wife's clock is ticking, and I'm stuck like a deer in the headlights - not knowing what to do when my wife is crying, or obviously depressed. When I notice her in these states I show I care by offering to talk, but I'm frozen with respect to moving forward towards another IVF cycle. I also tend to get very distracted.
My wife is going down a path that's extremely depressing for her. She probably thinks I'm an uncompassionate oaf since I oftentimes do not know what to say. Tonight as she was crying in fantasy about holding a baby of our own, and feeling it's arms, legs, eyes, etc. I felt connected there and felt myself tearing up. I just feel that I'm in a confusing place when my body tells me things that are different than her body. My body is paying attention to my job - thinking about how we're going to find that next place to move to so we can then grow a family. Perhaps she needs to realize that I don't have feminine biology and that I just can't connect to that feeling. I never baby-sat, never cooed over infants, never was a part of that world. But to use these excuses and to just pass it up is an excuse to be selfish.
Here I am going in circles.... I'm rambling too.
I don't know what to do - except for the part of consoling my wife. I'm all for IVF and I promise to be much more involved than last time, but she wants me to initiate it. I think it's impossible since my body doesn't work that way. I don't have that crave! I do want kids, and as you know I've been smiling at cute little kids alot more lately (than looking away like I used to). I do occasionally fantasize about so many different things with having kids - it's just not attached to me at every moment of every day. And as much as I would like to be more connected to my wife, this type of connection requires alot of effort to maintain. I need to make reminders to myself in my daytimer. I need to schedule internet IVF search time. I make the assumption that I'll do it one day or 2 days and that I'll automatically repeat ad infinitum. But it doesn't work. I get caught up with work stuff, home stuff, money stuff, finding a house stuff, and the hundreds of other things that need to be addressed. Now I will admit that I do have a fear problem that stops me in my tracks most of the time, and it does take effort to get past. Perhaps getting connected is one of those fear things. Fear of not knowing how to connect, until you just dive in. I think I'm better at it, but taking action and staying committed to action is tough for me. I committed myself to getting past engineering school and my job slump (even though I was internally driven that these were must-things-to-do) - And fear surrounded those events also - I eventually made it past because of either my parents, my peers, my wife, or occasionally me).
I keep thinking I'm rambling.
All in all, I need to support my wife and help her(us) get through this so we can have our children and start growning our family. The fall holidays are here and it's an unbearable time for my wife. I feel the lack, but certainly not to the same extent that she does. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need structure in my life. I move when prodded, but don't like to be forced. I feel for my wife, and her pain, and her life-disappointment.
Maybe it's my lesson to become completely non-selfish and put my thoughts & feelings aside and push, push, push us through another IVF cycle. The problem is then that I'm ignoring my inner guidance (which is unclear presently, but errs on the side of finding some sort of spiritual/naturopathic treatment-work).
I'll leave you all now with my prayers...
I ask now that Spirit guide me to make the best decisions & actions that align with me and my wife's desire to have children together. So be it. Thank you.