Confused & Disconnected

Tonight's been a tough night... What seemed like a normal end-of-day has now erupted into infertility fight-night. Perhaps it has been culminating for a long time, months since the lack of successful conclusion to our IVF treatments. Today I received a wonderful email offering love & hope from my Israeli friends whom I'm going to be staying with for a few days during my business trip at the end of this week. We were given recommendations for a doctor, and some strategies for getting IVF in Israel. We were both very touched at the care from my friends that I haven't seen in over 3 years.

Anyway, I don't know what to do. I wish I had some people to talk to about my feelings, or my sense of detachment. I feel that I can't talk to my wife about my pollyanna good hopes, or the confusion that I feel in my life regarding regarding what to do next. During our last fight I admitted to being selfish and unconnected. So, I bought myself a Dr. Laura book on the subject which although it's certainly helpful, it does take time to read, plus it takes some real paying-attention to what's going on around you to try to give attention where it's needed. Our house has become a pack-rat haven with items to be sold on E-bay, but not going anywhere for months. I'm feeling very confused on where to place my time and effort. I'm lucky that I have a job to go to that I absolutely love, and at home, I have noticed on & off that my wife has her ups and downs, as usual. After our neighbor got pregnant, she's become more depressed, struggling with dealing with a pregnant neighbor/friend that's more like family.

For me, I've just parked myself onto my Dr. Laura book and my Conscious Conception book. This book is perfect for me... I love it. I feel kinda lost with respect to a strategy, but I love how that book is perfectly aligned with my spirituality - the idea of keeping track of my wife's mucus, and paying attention to her body. The problem is that I think I'm a bit late. She would have loved it if I were into this sort of thing 3-4 years ago. But thinking back, it wasn't my time. My new agey self tells me that the perfect time is NOW - that all will be ok as it is supposed to be. I believe this. I don't believe in rushing into something that you're not wholly connected to, although I've done this before. Like buying my houses, and some other things, I'm a slow mover - Alex has prodded me along and after we move into these new spaces of being, I think, "Hey, that wasn't so bad" - but it tires her. She's starting to feel the IVF push again. Especially after reading a book like Conscious Conception, I feel myself drawn to natural methods (so far), spiritual things. I'm teased into thinking along the lines of "What does she gain from not getting pregnant" - Stuff that would put me into infertility jail. In truth, the pollyanna side of me believes all will happen in time.

The problem arises if there is something 'I' need to do to make it happen. Do I need to change my thinking? Do I need to push for another IVF cycle? Alex would like me to take charge, but I'm about 3-4 years behind her, trying to connect to my inner father. It's a wierd feeling when you don't know how to connect to something that drives you over the edge to do anything and everything to make it happen. I know that Alex is feeling this. The problem for her in addition to her body is me.

I don't push these things. I move along at my own pace. Honestly, I am trying to race through this book hoping that it stimulates my fertility awareness and my compassion and ultimately gives me the impetus to take charge of my family. To become the leader who pushes past my wife's depression and say that we will do it no matter what! Now, in my mind, I do support this. I'm not afraid of money like I used to be. I am willing to move forward with this, but my soul wrestles with this unnatural process. My soul craves for this to happen naturally. All the while, my wife's clock is ticking, and I'm stuck like a deer in the headlights - not knowing what to do when my wife is crying, or obviously depressed. When I notice her in these states I show I care by offering to talk, but I'm frozen with respect to moving forward towards another IVF cycle. I also tend to get very distracted.

My wife is going down a path that's extremely depressing for her. She probably thinks I'm an uncompassionate oaf since I oftentimes do not know what to say. Tonight as she was crying in fantasy about holding a baby of our own, and feeling it's arms, legs, eyes, etc. I felt connected there and felt myself tearing up. I just feel that I'm in a confusing place when my body tells me things that are different than her body. My body is paying attention to my job - thinking about how we're going to find that next place to move to so we can then grow a family. Perhaps she needs to realize that I don't have feminine biology and that I just can't connect to that feeling. I never baby-sat, never cooed over infants, never was a part of that world. But to use these excuses and to just pass it up is an excuse to be selfish.

Here I am going in circles.... I'm rambling too.

I don't know what to do - except for the part of consoling my wife. I'm all for IVF and I promise to be much more involved than last time, but she wants me to initiate it. I think it's impossible since my body doesn't work that way. I don't have that crave! I do want kids, and as you know I've been smiling at cute little kids alot more lately (than looking away like I used to). I do occasionally fantasize about so many different things with having kids - it's just not attached to me at every moment of every day. And as much as I would like to be more connected to my wife, this type of connection requires alot of effort to maintain. I need to make reminders to myself in my daytimer. I need to schedule internet IVF search time. I make the assumption that I'll do it one day or 2 days and that I'll automatically repeat ad infinitum. But it doesn't work. I get caught up with work stuff, home stuff, money stuff, finding a house stuff, and the hundreds of other things that need to be addressed. Now I will admit that I do have a fear problem that stops me in my tracks most of the time, and it does take effort to get past. Perhaps getting connected is one of those fear things. Fear of not knowing how to connect, until you just dive in. I think I'm better at it, but taking action and staying committed to action is tough for me. I committed myself to getting past engineering school and my job slump (even though I was internally driven that these were must-things-to-do) - And fear surrounded those events also - I eventually made it past because of either my parents, my peers, my wife, or occasionally me).

I keep thinking I'm rambling.

All in all, I need to support my wife and help her(us) get through this so we can have our children and start growning our family. The fall holidays are here and it's an unbearable time for my wife. I feel the lack, but certainly not to the same extent that she does. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need structure in my life. I move when prodded, but don't like to be forced. I feel for my wife, and her pain, and her life-disappointment.

Maybe it's my lesson to become completely non-selfish and put my thoughts & feelings aside and push, push, push us through another IVF cycle. The problem is then that I'm ignoring my inner guidance (which is unclear presently, but errs on the side of finding some sort of spiritual/naturopathic treatment-work).

I'll leave you all now with my prayers...

I ask now that Spirit guide me to make the best decisions & actions that align with me and my wife's desire to have children together. So be it. Thank you.

Fertility awareness

As a man, I generally feel quite detached from emotional stuff concerning infertility. Perhaps I'm a selfish fellow, or, as you know from my previous posts, I don't like getting into a negative mindset.

Unfortunately I must make a confession... PollyAnna has stepped out for a little while. While my wife rejoices at this notion, the idea that I'm not as strong in my positivo convictions as I previously projected, I feel that I'm finally coming out of the relatively long 1-month tunnel of doubt. It was a time of detachment, not the good kind, but more of a numbing kind - where you just don't want to think about it because you feel like you just threw away $15 Grand. No results. No money back. No refunds. No warrantees. It's a sucky place to be in. Before, the whole process was a bit beyond me. I didn't want to get involved too much, perhaps I had an inkling of an idea of the risks and I was scared and I didn't want to throw myself in there for risk of getting too hurt. I must say that women are powerful creatures. I'll leave the bulk of that statement to another post, but briefly, women have such a great capacity to withstand pain emotionally & physically that I definately feel that they are stronger than men. I feel that it's part of my (and mankind's) path to re-join with feminine-strength and sensibility. For awhile I didn't want to move forward, to read about anything, to do anything. Just numb. Comfortably Numb.

Anyway, I digress - I also find that men just have a hard time getting in touch with our feelings, especially on difficult, complex things that are beyond our control, i.e. infertility. Men like to control. They like to build, to construct, to mold & form matter into things. When things are outside of our control, like femininity, emotional volatility, hormones, health issues that aren't easily solved, etc. It's difficult for the male mind to connect - at least for me and a handful of guys that I know - The guys I know that have families, spouses, and even a few of the single ones also. One friend that I was chatting with today has a hard time talking to his wife about deep complex stuff. But after the wife showed him some emails that she wrote to her friends online, he suddenly got this huge understanding of a deeper side of her. It was amazing for him. I suggested that they both start blogging, for even though I don't update this site much, I know it's helpful for my wife. It's alot easier to blurt out all that you're thinking here, without interruption, and then have someone else review it all at once. When trying to dicuss things verbally, there may be too many misunderstandings along the way that can get you into trouble.

So, one of the things I decided to do was to improve my EQ. I bought myself a couple of Dr. Laura relationship books. I like her straight to the point manner in which she gets things done. No nonsense therapy. I've been trained well by Alex ;) In any case, this technique works for me. No victims, martyrs, or excuses allowed. Even though I just started, I am learning about my male-insecurities from being with a powerful woman (that's what I liked about her, amongst other things). I'm learning about the difference between privacy and secrets - that I need to share my feelings more rather than keeping them bottled up inside. This is the best sort of therapy because it puts in your face the issues at hand, and then you deal and try to make changes.

On another level, I'm craving to have more like-minded, high-vibration, kind-hearted, married men in my life to compare notes with. Not growing up with a father that you can talk to certainly creates difficulties later in life, but this, like most things, can eventually be solved. I have a great support network, and the fact that I've bought a powerful book and that I'm starting to admit to some of my issues is a big step for me. Great things are on the way. Btw, I must admit. Even though times can sometimes be very challenging and you feel beating the other person occasionally - I am very appreciative of all of it. It's from times like this that you grow. Life is good.

Anyway, personally, I'm at a stage of my life where I feel like I'm rapidly maturing on a spiritual level. I'm getting really good at meditating, achieving states of relaxation and versatility with my energetic body know-how. From the development of these faculties, I've been paying attention to my thoughts & my feelings that lead me in certain directions from time to time (or all the time, if I pay attention to it). So I was led to a book that I know Alex kept in the basement but has never read.

The book is called "Conscious Conception" - I was drawn to this book and I swear, it seems to be the answer to my call for becoming more connected to (in)fertility. I just started the book, and I'm in love with it already. It's a fertility/spiritual treat perfect for the budding new-age hippy HinJew. It's all about getting in touch with your feelings, Spirit, Mother Earth, cycles of nature, natural stuff - Good Earthly stuff that resonantes with me. I have a strong feeling that this book is going to be transformative for me. I promise to post updates as I come upon them. Wait - here's one thing I found of interest...

The 1st section that really struck me is the element Earth - (the book is divided into sections based on 5-element theory) - and it was relating for a moment that even though a barren dessert has no water and little life, if you dig deep enough, surely you will find moisture.

Everything is not as it seems.