More confirmations...

Yesterday, Alex and I had a fantastic Tarot card reading at my favorite new-age bookstore, Mystic Valley. The reader was the best that I've ever been to - she was extremely intuitive, even before the cards were turned over. She accurately talked about events going on in our lives, and verified the soul-mate connection between us. Anyway, some of the main points related to this are: shortly after we walked in she commented on seeing (2) child souls around Alex, she told us that Alex still needs to do some learning/work/changes to make this happen, like spending more time enjoying life, taking the stress and pressure off, and keeping in mind that she will have children - timing is also important. We also got some indication of what time frame we should be looking at with respect to when the children will be born, astrologically speaking. This is good because Alex had before a very narrow conception of when the kids should be born - and having expanded possibilities should help reduce her stress levels.

All along, I have intuitively felt the much of the same things that this person has spoken about... Noteably that Alex has some important lessons to learn (exactly what, I don't know), and that it's a matter of timing. I honestly know in my heart that we're going to have our children relatively soon, and I feel strongly about my intuition, now more than ever - especially since I'm learning how to trust myself, psychically.

Now, I can admit that I'm still not a good IVF husband. I have a difficult time facing the emotional problems that infertility has brought into our life. In the past my issue was with the money and now I have this sense of inner trust that our money situation will work out no matter what. I do have trouble talking to my wife about moving forward. I feel naturally apprehensive about bringing up IVF and discussing what to do - mostly out of guilt for not being proactive in the past, yet being this way keeps my in the same exact situation - it's really kind of lame, but I tend to get stuck in this place. My goal, after yet another long discussion is to face my fears of confronting the emotional heaviness, of facing my false sense of pride and ego, and to proactively discuss our plans. I have a really hard time sticking with things, new ideas, new behaviors, etc - even when I know they're good for me and for us. I am like a child in the sense that I have a hard time facing the realities that are in our life, especially those that affect my wife to such a high degree. I need to be better at caring for her needs and moving our life forward.

So, combining these two topics leads to a big problem for me - what to do? I think the solution for me and my metaphysical mind is to trust the process. Trust that no matter what I do, everything will work out well, despite my hemming and hawing of the past and present. The important thing is for me to take steps forward, constantly. I am constantly reminded of my previous job, when Alex told me many time to put my resume out earlier, to leave my job earlier - and even though I put up with alot of things, including not getting paid for a few months worth of time (which I now am going to ask about, once again), I intuitively felt in my heart that these hard times are temporary and that there is a bright light just around the corner. Even though that corner didn't come soon enough, I KNEW it was there. And it was, for I'm in my sweet spot, career-wise. That's exactly the way I know it to be now with respect to our infertility issues. We're getting the signs. I sense that our life is not stagnant. Life is moving ahead for us (in a really good way) We're putting out our intent. We're cleaning up our space. Many people have reaffirmed over and over that they 'see' 2 kids around us. I know this to be true. All I can do is take whatever steps I can take in the present and let the future reveal itself as it will.

On a final note, I am reminded of my trip to Israel, going to the Kryon seminar - that I should expect the unexpected, I should not put a timeline on anything, and I should basically live in the moment and take constant action. I'm sure that a surprise is just around the corner...

Fertility Thoughts From Israel

I was recently in Israel on a business trip, and by synchronicity I had many kind people offer me their help.

First of all - my long-time friends in Israel have put me in touch with a friend of theirs who has become pregnant via IVF, and an interesting coincidence on that is that the female-side of the couple works for one of the companies that I came to visit (I learned that the high-tech community in Israel is very small). My friends and other seemingly random Israelis whom I soon became friends with offered to help me out in a variety of ways: from helping us to find doctors over there, to helping us make Aliyah so we can get free fertility treatments, to providing my wife & I a place to stay while under treatment. For those of you familiar with my travel blog, http://gaiamangoes.blogspot.com , you can see that Israel holds a very special place in my heart, even though I'm not particularly religious (Jewish-religious, anyway).

On the way home I sat next to two woman who were very eager to get me pregnant by their fertility doctors, (a Dr. Richard Grazzi, in Brooklyn) who were one and the same, despite them both being strangers to each other.

On another note, on the way over ther I remember taking notice of some of the Europeans boarding the plane with me. I was touched seeing the image of a strong macho-looking guy, paying very close attention to his kids. Of course, any Jewish-airline is expected to have a plethora of kids and parents travelling about, so there were many soft-hearted sights and sounds all along the way.

Jumping around, I don't have the time to get into details now, but while staying with my friends, I had alot of time to see what it's like to be around an infant... I had a few opportunities to hold my friend's daughter, see how they change her (actually got a lesson), and see my friend breastfeed amongst friends. She was very discreet and everyone treated her with respect - after hearing about some people saying negative things and being troublesome in the states (I'm sure they're in the minority), I was very relieved to enjoy the environment that my friends created for their baby girl. Everything in Israel just flowed naturally for me. As I said in my other blog. Israel is Home.

One other thing, (I know I'm just jumping around, but I want to make this post quick since I'm at work and I need to get home), I had an idea that I just wanted to put down for myself. While talking to one of my new friends about their baby, and how they and the doctors can't figure out while she's crying all the time (or something like that, I forgot in the past few weeks), I had an idea that it would be very worthwhile to learn the art of one-handed applied kinesiology - a technique that my chiropractor uses to judge what my energy imbalances are, and for other diagnoses. From my training in Touch For Health, this technique can also be used for determining by proxy what the child needs in terms of food, vitamins, water, care, etc, by asking many questions while looking for yes/no responses from your finger muscles.

Confused & Disconnected

Tonight's been a tough night... What seemed like a normal end-of-day has now erupted into infertility fight-night. Perhaps it has been culminating for a long time, months since the lack of successful conclusion to our IVF treatments. Today I received a wonderful email offering love & hope from my Israeli friends whom I'm going to be staying with for a few days during my business trip at the end of this week. We were given recommendations for a doctor, and some strategies for getting IVF in Israel. We were both very touched at the care from my friends that I haven't seen in over 3 years.

Anyway, I don't know what to do. I wish I had some people to talk to about my feelings, or my sense of detachment. I feel that I can't talk to my wife about my pollyanna good hopes, or the confusion that I feel in my life regarding regarding what to do next. During our last fight I admitted to being selfish and unconnected. So, I bought myself a Dr. Laura book on the subject which although it's certainly helpful, it does take time to read, plus it takes some real paying-attention to what's going on around you to try to give attention where it's needed. Our house has become a pack-rat haven with items to be sold on E-bay, but not going anywhere for months. I'm feeling very confused on where to place my time and effort. I'm lucky that I have a job to go to that I absolutely love, and at home, I have noticed on & off that my wife has her ups and downs, as usual. After our neighbor got pregnant, she's become more depressed, struggling with dealing with a pregnant neighbor/friend that's more like family.

For me, I've just parked myself onto my Dr. Laura book and my Conscious Conception book. This book is perfect for me... I love it. I feel kinda lost with respect to a strategy, but I love how that book is perfectly aligned with my spirituality - the idea of keeping track of my wife's mucus, and paying attention to her body. The problem is that I think I'm a bit late. She would have loved it if I were into this sort of thing 3-4 years ago. But thinking back, it wasn't my time. My new agey self tells me that the perfect time is NOW - that all will be ok as it is supposed to be. I believe this. I don't believe in rushing into something that you're not wholly connected to, although I've done this before. Like buying my houses, and some other things, I'm a slow mover - Alex has prodded me along and after we move into these new spaces of being, I think, "Hey, that wasn't so bad" - but it tires her. She's starting to feel the IVF push again. Especially after reading a book like Conscious Conception, I feel myself drawn to natural methods (so far), spiritual things. I'm teased into thinking along the lines of "What does she gain from not getting pregnant" - Stuff that would put me into infertility jail. In truth, the pollyanna side of me believes all will happen in time.

The problem arises if there is something 'I' need to do to make it happen. Do I need to change my thinking? Do I need to push for another IVF cycle? Alex would like me to take charge, but I'm about 3-4 years behind her, trying to connect to my inner father. It's a wierd feeling when you don't know how to connect to something that drives you over the edge to do anything and everything to make it happen. I know that Alex is feeling this. The problem for her in addition to her body is me.

I don't push these things. I move along at my own pace. Honestly, I am trying to race through this book hoping that it stimulates my fertility awareness and my compassion and ultimately gives me the impetus to take charge of my family. To become the leader who pushes past my wife's depression and say that we will do it no matter what! Now, in my mind, I do support this. I'm not afraid of money like I used to be. I am willing to move forward with this, but my soul wrestles with this unnatural process. My soul craves for this to happen naturally. All the while, my wife's clock is ticking, and I'm stuck like a deer in the headlights - not knowing what to do when my wife is crying, or obviously depressed. When I notice her in these states I show I care by offering to talk, but I'm frozen with respect to moving forward towards another IVF cycle. I also tend to get very distracted.

My wife is going down a path that's extremely depressing for her. She probably thinks I'm an uncompassionate oaf since I oftentimes do not know what to say. Tonight as she was crying in fantasy about holding a baby of our own, and feeling it's arms, legs, eyes, etc. I felt connected there and felt myself tearing up. I just feel that I'm in a confusing place when my body tells me things that are different than her body. My body is paying attention to my job - thinking about how we're going to find that next place to move to so we can then grow a family. Perhaps she needs to realize that I don't have feminine biology and that I just can't connect to that feeling. I never baby-sat, never cooed over infants, never was a part of that world. But to use these excuses and to just pass it up is an excuse to be selfish.

Here I am going in circles.... I'm rambling too.

I don't know what to do - except for the part of consoling my wife. I'm all for IVF and I promise to be much more involved than last time, but she wants me to initiate it. I think it's impossible since my body doesn't work that way. I don't have that crave! I do want kids, and as you know I've been smiling at cute little kids alot more lately (than looking away like I used to). I do occasionally fantasize about so many different things with having kids - it's just not attached to me at every moment of every day. And as much as I would like to be more connected to my wife, this type of connection requires alot of effort to maintain. I need to make reminders to myself in my daytimer. I need to schedule internet IVF search time. I make the assumption that I'll do it one day or 2 days and that I'll automatically repeat ad infinitum. But it doesn't work. I get caught up with work stuff, home stuff, money stuff, finding a house stuff, and the hundreds of other things that need to be addressed. Now I will admit that I do have a fear problem that stops me in my tracks most of the time, and it does take effort to get past. Perhaps getting connected is one of those fear things. Fear of not knowing how to connect, until you just dive in. I think I'm better at it, but taking action and staying committed to action is tough for me. I committed myself to getting past engineering school and my job slump (even though I was internally driven that these were must-things-to-do) - And fear surrounded those events also - I eventually made it past because of either my parents, my peers, my wife, or occasionally me).

I keep thinking I'm rambling.

All in all, I need to support my wife and help her(us) get through this so we can have our children and start growning our family. The fall holidays are here and it's an unbearable time for my wife. I feel the lack, but certainly not to the same extent that she does. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need structure in my life. I move when prodded, but don't like to be forced. I feel for my wife, and her pain, and her life-disappointment.

Maybe it's my lesson to become completely non-selfish and put my thoughts & feelings aside and push, push, push us through another IVF cycle. The problem is then that I'm ignoring my inner guidance (which is unclear presently, but errs on the side of finding some sort of spiritual/naturopathic treatment-work).

I'll leave you all now with my prayers...

I ask now that Spirit guide me to make the best decisions & actions that align with me and my wife's desire to have children together. So be it. Thank you.

Fertility awareness

As a man, I generally feel quite detached from emotional stuff concerning infertility. Perhaps I'm a selfish fellow, or, as you know from my previous posts, I don't like getting into a negative mindset.

Unfortunately I must make a confession... PollyAnna has stepped out for a little while. While my wife rejoices at this notion, the idea that I'm not as strong in my positivo convictions as I previously projected, I feel that I'm finally coming out of the relatively long 1-month tunnel of doubt. It was a time of detachment, not the good kind, but more of a numbing kind - where you just don't want to think about it because you feel like you just threw away $15 Grand. No results. No money back. No refunds. No warrantees. It's a sucky place to be in. Before, the whole process was a bit beyond me. I didn't want to get involved too much, perhaps I had an inkling of an idea of the risks and I was scared and I didn't want to throw myself in there for risk of getting too hurt. I must say that women are powerful creatures. I'll leave the bulk of that statement to another post, but briefly, women have such a great capacity to withstand pain emotionally & physically that I definately feel that they are stronger than men. I feel that it's part of my (and mankind's) path to re-join with feminine-strength and sensibility. For awhile I didn't want to move forward, to read about anything, to do anything. Just numb. Comfortably Numb.

Anyway, I digress - I also find that men just have a hard time getting in touch with our feelings, especially on difficult, complex things that are beyond our control, i.e. infertility. Men like to control. They like to build, to construct, to mold & form matter into things. When things are outside of our control, like femininity, emotional volatility, hormones, health issues that aren't easily solved, etc. It's difficult for the male mind to connect - at least for me and a handful of guys that I know - The guys I know that have families, spouses, and even a few of the single ones also. One friend that I was chatting with today has a hard time talking to his wife about deep complex stuff. But after the wife showed him some emails that she wrote to her friends online, he suddenly got this huge understanding of a deeper side of her. It was amazing for him. I suggested that they both start blogging, for even though I don't update this site much, I know it's helpful for my wife. It's alot easier to blurt out all that you're thinking here, without interruption, and then have someone else review it all at once. When trying to dicuss things verbally, there may be too many misunderstandings along the way that can get you into trouble.

So, one of the things I decided to do was to improve my EQ. I bought myself a couple of Dr. Laura relationship books. I like her straight to the point manner in which she gets things done. No nonsense therapy. I've been trained well by Alex ;) In any case, this technique works for me. No victims, martyrs, or excuses allowed. Even though I just started, I am learning about my male-insecurities from being with a powerful woman (that's what I liked about her, amongst other things). I'm learning about the difference between privacy and secrets - that I need to share my feelings more rather than keeping them bottled up inside. This is the best sort of therapy because it puts in your face the issues at hand, and then you deal and try to make changes.

On another level, I'm craving to have more like-minded, high-vibration, kind-hearted, married men in my life to compare notes with. Not growing up with a father that you can talk to certainly creates difficulties later in life, but this, like most things, can eventually be solved. I have a great support network, and the fact that I've bought a powerful book and that I'm starting to admit to some of my issues is a big step for me. Great things are on the way. Btw, I must admit. Even though times can sometimes be very challenging and you feel beating the other person occasionally - I am very appreciative of all of it. It's from times like this that you grow. Life is good.

Anyway, personally, I'm at a stage of my life where I feel like I'm rapidly maturing on a spiritual level. I'm getting really good at meditating, achieving states of relaxation and versatility with my energetic body know-how. From the development of these faculties, I've been paying attention to my thoughts & my feelings that lead me in certain directions from time to time (or all the time, if I pay attention to it). So I was led to a book that I know Alex kept in the basement but has never read.

The book is called "Conscious Conception" - I was drawn to this book and I swear, it seems to be the answer to my call for becoming more connected to (in)fertility. I just started the book, and I'm in love with it already. It's a fertility/spiritual treat perfect for the budding new-age hippy HinJew. It's all about getting in touch with your feelings, Spirit, Mother Earth, cycles of nature, natural stuff - Good Earthly stuff that resonantes with me. I have a strong feeling that this book is going to be transformative for me. I promise to post updates as I come upon them. Wait - here's one thing I found of interest...

The 1st section that really struck me is the element Earth - (the book is divided into sections based on 5-element theory) - and it was relating for a moment that even though a barren dessert has no water and little life, if you dig deep enough, surely you will find moisture.

Everything is not as it seems.

The Big Wait

It's now the time of the Big Wait, at least for me. I am cut off from communicating with my wife until I get back to town, for I'm presently in Seoul, Korea on business. This is a little harder now because for the first few days I was here we were constantly talking to each other over Skype, but now we're cut off from each other. The reason is that whether she's super-happy or super-sad, she needs to experience those emotions with me in her grasp.

It's been a tough week - trying to go with the flow, yet at the same time making time for praises of thanks for having an opportunity to be pregnant (not me, her). I admit, it's been tough staying focused on being positive, and sometime my mind wanders to the negative, but I think the best I can do is to clear my mind, stay in the moment & stay in the flow.

I'm very worried for Alex, I can feel my heart crumbling at the thought of her crying profusely alone. She has a good support network, but most likely she will want to be alone at least for awhile. In any case during the time that we spoke, she sounded somewhat prepared for negative results. Pollyanna here, butting in - perhaps she will test pregnant in the near future, if it's negative now. Like a delayed response.

On top of all of this, we recently came upon a business opportunity that would be very difficult for us to give up. We would be minority partners in a very lucrative business that has lots of potential, the only stipulation is that it would be like a 9-5 job, and without putting much thought into it, I know if she is prego, that she'd want to be a full-time mom at home. Perhaps there can be flexible ways of working this out... I don't know. Again, metaphysically, the only solace I have right now is living in the present moment - not thinking about the future, just working on what I need to do or be right now.

That is my challenge for the rest of this week, until saturday night.

The Wait...

So the wait has begun... We transferred 3 embryos about a week ago and Alex & I have been praying ever since. Non-stop. Almost every morning I do some energy-work to the pictures of our 3 embryos that sits in our bedroom on top of one of those purple energy plates, with a crystal on it, next to the cd-player playing non-stop Om Namah Shivayah (recommended by our good friends who play it in the background to ward off evil spirits, and to help growing embryos), and then continue to offer my thanks to god for getting us pregnant. We both do alot of spiritual work to try to make these things grow strongly & healthily.

Anyway, the problem is that I'm getting confused with respect to when to be positive and when to FEEL and go into my emotions. This turned into an argument last night. Actually, this issue comes up often. I think I focus on being positive as much as possible when it comes to something that happen in the future, with respect to the manifestation concept. What we think, we create (delayed, of course). I've had many examples of this in my life, and I'm getting the feeling that this phenonema is quickening. The Feeling side of me that wants to get melancholic, moody, depressed, etc. - perhaps that should be reserved for other occasions. The problem is that there is alot of overlap. For instance, I may get depressed about money. Because I know thinking & feeling bad about myself & situation will make things worse (with respect to Universal Attraction), I always stop myself. But, at the same time, I recognize that we're here to also have a human experience, to feel, to feel pain as well as great joy.

Then there is the issue with my wife, or others for that matter. If they're depressed and they want to be consoled, do I try to console in my typical pollyanna way or maybe just stay quiet, listen, acknowledge, or perhaps - GASP! share my own pain for a moment. Lately I'm starting to think that if what we think manifests with a delay of sorts, then that gives me enough time to get into the feeling of whatever needs to be felt, whether for myself or for others, and then later on I can get grounded, clear my thoughts & then project my positive creative intentions out to the collective unconsciousness.

IVF Fun

Hello everyone... It's been a long time. Frankly speaking, even though I get plenty of encouragement from my wife and others, I don't feel too attached to writing about infertility issues. It's just not my thing.

On the other hand, since we're now heading for the final stretch of our IVF treatment, I am excited.

In my view, this IVF adventure has been very interesting. As some of you have heard, I've gotten into my share of trouble on more than a few occasions, and have since tried to pull myself out, with difficulty, to only find myself back in shortly thereafter.

First there was the Lupron - that was fun ;) Aside from my wife's mood swings & reactions to the meds, I think I've handled her well. The lady was all over the place, but at least it wasn't as much fun as Clomid. That's my favorite. This one guy who has recently entered our life has me reading some cool spritual stuff, like Autobiography of a Yogi, and so on, and I am so very thankful that I'm into this sort of thing - it really helps regulate me.

Then the wonderful world of injections started (for me). My wife was always more worried about the injections than I was - for good reason! I still have the opinion that the worst one is the Lupron, because you psychologically have to get over that hump to stab yourself every day. At least with me, it's out of her control - a surprise everytime. Especially that one time that I was being arrogant about thinking the alcohol evaporated when it really hadn't. More fun. Not really. I felt really bad. I hate pain, but when I hear my wife complain about pain, which she doesn't (honestly, I think she welcomes it - now that's sick), then I get really concerned. In fact ever since her ovaries have started growing, I hear alot of her pain, and it does concern me. But that's not all.

On top of all of this, she has a dental bridge that's coming loose and is saying that she would rather endure the constant dental pain of having a pinched nerve in her mouth than potentially poison her eggs, etc. I do understand, it's just a double-edged sword I guess. Pain sucks, and I avoid it at almost all costs, except for my not-so-regular colonic routine which is indeed painful, but I figure it will relieve me of a great deal of future pain physically, emotionally, as well as financially.

So, we just got cleared for retrieval in 2 days. I'm really siked at this point because I can taste it. From the advice of 2 psychic practitioners, various psychic friends (no, not the Psychic Friends Network), and a constant manifestation of creative visualizations, affirmations & prayer - I envision myself holding my child very soon in one of those over-the-shoulder-baby-holders. Walking to the park, dancing at my brother's wedding, etc.

From the way that I've recently felt connected to the canine race, at least the very ones who share my bed every night, I feel more prepared than ever in my life to be a father. From the diarhea event a few days ago (3-4 huge piles), I transformed my plight into preperatory initiation into baby-turd cleaning, etc. There's a silver lining to every cloud, I like to think. From occasionally coming upon baby stuff & pictures on the web - I feel good things are on the way. On top of that, I still get my many numerical signs every day that let me know that something great is just around the corner(clocks, receipts, bills with numerical anomalies like- 11:11, 11:22, 11:33, 11:33, 9:11, 2:22, 3:33, etc). Yes I'm continuing off of the deep end looking for positive symbolism in everything - whatever works! In fact, I'm not sure if I wrote about my relatively new job (My Dream Job), but in the months & weeks preceeding my acquisition of this job, I saw the very same numbers all of the time.

Anyway, onward we go. From our hCG shot tonight, the next couple of days are going to be fun, followed by our 1st operation on Thursday. I'm siked and positive as usual. Life is great!

Thank you for putting up with my rambles, my frequent sabbaticals, and my pollyanna view of everything wonderful in my life.

Namaste.