Semen Lost at Sea...

More confirmations...

2005-12-19T12:42:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, Alex and I had a fantastic Tarot card reading at my favorite new-age bookstore, Mystic Valley. The reader was the best that I've ever been to - she was extremely intuitive, even before the cards were turned over. She accurately talked about events going on in our lives, and verified the soul-mate connection between us. Anyway, some of the main points related to this are: shortly after we walked in she commented on seeing (2) child souls around Alex, she told us that Alex still needs to do some learning/work/changes to make this happen, like spending more time enjoying life, taking the stress and pressure off, and keeping in mind that she will have children - timing is also important. We also got some indication of what time frame we should be looking at with respect to when the children will be born, astrologically speaking. This is good because Alex had before a very narrow conception of when the kids should be born - and having expanded possibilities should help reduce her stress levels.

All along, I have intuitively felt the much of the same things that this person has spoken about... Noteably that Alex has some important lessons to learn (exactly what, I don't know), and that it's a matter of timing. I honestly know in my heart that we're going to have our children relatively soon, and I feel strongly about my intuition, now more than ever - especially since I'm learning how to trust myself, psychically.

Now, I can admit that I'm still not a good IVF husband. I have a difficult time facing the emotional problems that infertility has brought into our life. In the past my issue was with the money and now I have this sense of inner trust that our money situation will work out no matter what. I do have trouble talking to my wife about moving forward. I feel naturally apprehensive about bringing up IVF and discussing what to do - mostly out of guilt for not being proactive in the past, yet being this way keeps my in the same exact situation - it's really kind of lame, but I tend to get stuck in this place. My goal, after yet another long discussion is to face my fears of confronting the emotional heaviness, of facing my false sense of pride and ego, and to proactively discuss our plans. I have a really hard time sticking with things, new ideas, new behaviors, etc - even when I know they're good for me and for us. I am like a child in the sense that I have a hard time facing the realities that are in our life, especially those that affect my wife to such a high degree. I need to be better at caring for her needs and moving our life forward.

So, combining these two topics leads to a big problem for me - what to do? I think the solution for me and my metaphysical mind is to trust the process. Trust that no matter what I do, everything will work out well, despite my hemming and hawing of the past and present. The important thing is for me to take steps forward, constantly. I am constantly reminded of my previous job, when Alex told me many time to put my resume out earlier, to leave my job earlier - and even though I put up with alot of things, including not getting paid for a few months worth of time (which I now am going to ask about, once again), I intuitively felt in my heart that these hard times are temporary and that there is a bright light just around the corner. Even though that corner didn't come soon enough, I KNEW it was there. And it was, for I'm in my sweet spot, career-wise. That's exactly the way I know it to be now with respect to our infertility issues. We're getting the signs. I sense that our life is not stagnant. Life is moving ahead for us (in a really good way) We're putting out our intent. We're cleaning up our space. Many people have reaffirmed over and over that they 'see' 2 kids around us. I know this to be true. All I can do is take whatever steps I can take in the present and let the future reveal itself as it will.

On a final note, I am reminded of my trip to Israel, going to the Kryon seminar - that I should expect the unexpected, I should not put a timeline on anything, and I should basically live in the moment and take constant action. I'm sure that a surprise is just around the corner...

Fertility Thoughts From Israel

2005-12-05T16:46:00.000-06:00

I was recently in Israel on a business trip, and by synchronicity I had many kind people offer me their help.

First of all - my long-time friends in Israel have put me in touch with a friend of theirs who has become pregnant via IVF, and an interesting coincidence on that is that the female-side of the couple works for one of the companies that I came to visit (I learned that the high-tech community in Israel is very small). My friends and other seemingly random Israelis whom I soon became friends with offered to help me out in a variety of ways: from helping us to find doctors over there, to helping us make Aliyah so we can get free fertility treatments, to providing my wife & I a place to stay while under treatment. For those of you familiar with my travel blog, http://gaiamangoes.blogspot.com , you can see that Israel holds a very special place in my heart, even though I'm not particularly religious (Jewish-religious, anyway).

On the way home I sat next to two woman who were very eager to get me pregnant by their fertility doctors, (a Dr. Richard Grazzi, in Brooklyn) who were one and the same, despite them both being strangers to each other.

On another note, on the way over ther I remember taking notice of some of the Europeans boarding the plane with me. I was touched seeing the image of a strong macho-looking guy, paying very close attention to his kids. Of course, any Jewish-airline is expected to have a plethora of kids and parents travelling about, so there were many soft-hearted sights and sounds all along the way.

Jumping around, I don't have the time to get into details now, but while staying with my friends, I had alot of time to see what it's like to be around an infant... I had a few opportunities to hold my friend's daughter, see how they change her (actually got a lesson), and see my friend breastfeed amongst friends. She was very discreet and everyone treated her with respect - after hearing about some people saying negative things and being troublesome in the states (I'm sure they're in the minority), I was very relieved to enjoy the environment that my friends created for their baby girl. Everything in Israel just flowed naturally for me. As I said in my other blog. Israel is Home.

One other thing, (I know I'm just jumping around, but I want to make this post quick since I'm at work and I need to get home), I had an idea that I just wanted to put down for myself. While talking to one of my new friends about their baby, and how they and the doctors can't figure out while she's crying all the time (or something like that, I forgot in the past few weeks), I had an idea that it would be very worthwhile to learn the art of one-handed applied kinesiology - a technique that my chiropractor uses to judge what my energy imbalances are, and for other diagnoses. From my training in Touch For Health, this technique can also be used for determining by proxy what the child needs in terms of food, vitamins, water, care, etc, by asking many questions while looking for yes/no responses from your finger muscles.

Confused & Disconnected

2005-10-24T20:08:00.000-05:00

Tonight's been a tough night... What seemed like a normal end-of-day has now erupted into infertility fight-night. Perhaps it has been culminating for a long time, months since the lack of successful conclusion to our IVF treatments. Today I received a wonderful email offering love & hope from my Israeli friends whom I'm going to be staying with for a few days during my business trip at the end of this week. We were given recommendations for a doctor, and some strategies for getting IVF in Israel. We were both very touched at the care from my friends that I haven't seen in over 3 years.

Anyway, I don't know what to do. I wish I had some people to talk to about my feelings, or my sense of detachment. I feel that I can't talk to my wife about my pollyanna good hopes, or the confusion that I feel in my life regarding regarding what to do next. During our last fight I admitted to being selfish and unconnected. So, I bought myself a Dr. Laura book on the subject which although it's certainly helpful, it does take time to read, plus it takes some real paying-attention to what's going on around you to try to give attention where it's needed. Our house has become a pack-rat haven with items to be sold on E-bay, but not going anywhere for months. I'm feeling very confused on where to place my time and effort. I'm lucky that I have a job to go to that I absolutely love, and at home, I have noticed on & off that my wife has her ups and downs, as usual. After our neighbor got pregnant, she's become more depressed, struggling with dealing with a pregnant neighbor/friend that's more like family.

For me, I've just parked myself onto my Dr. Laura book and my Conscious Conception book. This book is perfect for me... I love it. I feel kinda lost with respect to a strategy, but I love how that book is perfectly aligned with my spirituality - the idea of keeping track of my wife's mucus, and paying attention to her body. The problem is that I think I'm a bit late. She would have loved it if I were into this sort of thing 3-4 years ago. But thinking back, it wasn't my time. My new agey self tells me that the perfect time is NOW - that all will be ok as it is supposed to be. I believe this. I don't believe in rushing into something that you're not wholly connected to, although I've done this before. Like buying my houses, and some other things, I'm a slow mover - Alex has prodded me along and after we move into these new spaces of being, I think, "Hey, that wasn't so bad" - but it tires her. She's starting to feel the IVF push again. Especially after reading a book like Conscious Conception, I feel myself drawn to natural methods (so far), spiritual things. I'm teased into thinking along the lines of "What does she gain from not getting pregnant" - Stuff that would put me into infertility jail. In truth, the pollyanna side of me believes all will happen in time.

The problem arises if there is something 'I' need to do to make it happen. Do I need to change my thinking? Do I need to push for another IVF cycle? Alex would like me to take charge, but I'm about 3-4 years behind her, trying to connect to my inner father. It's a wierd feeling when you don't know how to connect to something that drives you over the edge to do anything and everything to make it happen. I know that Alex is feeling this. The problem for her in addition to her body is me.

I don't push these things. I move along at my own pace. Honestly, I am trying to race through this book hoping that it stimulates my fertility awareness and my compassion and ultimately gives me the impetus to take charge of my family. To become the leader who pushes past my wife's depression and say that we will do it no matter what! Now, in my mind, I do support this. I'm not afraid of money like I used to be. I am willing to move forward with this, but my soul wrestles with this unnatural process. My soul craves for this to happen naturally. All the while, my wife's clock is ticking, and I'm stuck like a deer in the headlights - not knowing what to do when my wife is crying, or obviously depressed. When I notice her in these states I show I care by offering to talk, but I'm frozen with respect to moving forward towards another IVF cycle. I also tend to get very distracted.

My wife is going down a path that's extremely depressing for her. She probably thinks I'm an uncompassionate oaf since I oftentimes do not know what to say. Tonight as she was crying in fantasy about holding a baby of our own, and feeling it's arms, legs, eyes, etc. I felt connected there and felt myself tearing up. I just feel that I'm in a confusing place when my body tells me things that are different than her body. My body is paying attention to my job - thinking about how we're going to find that next place to move to so we can then grow a family. Perhaps she needs to realize that I don't have feminine biology and that I just can't connect to that feeling. I never baby-sat, never cooed over infants, never was a part of that world. But to use these excuses and to just pass it up is an excuse to be selfish.

Here I am going in circles.... I'm rambling too.

I don't know what to do - except for the part of consoling my wife. I'm all for IVF and I promise to be much more involved than last time, but she wants me to initiate it. I think it's impossible since my body doesn't work that way. I don't have that crave! I do want kids, and as you know I've been smiling at cute little kids alot more lately (than looking away like I used to). I do occasionally fantasize about so many different things with having kids - it's just not attached to me at every moment of every day. And as much as I would like to be more connected to my wife, this type of connection requires alot of effort to maintain. I need to make reminders to myself in my daytimer. I need to schedule internet IVF search time. I make the assumption that I'll do it one day or 2 days and that I'll automatically repeat ad infinitum. But it doesn't work. I get caught up with work stuff, home stuff, money stuff, finding a house stuff, and the hundreds of other things that need to be addressed. Now I will admit that I do have a fear problem that stops me in my tracks most of the time, and it does take effort to get past. Perhaps getting connected is one of those fear things. Fear of not knowing how to connect, until you just dive in. I think I'm better at it, but taking action and staying committed to action is tough for me. I committed myself to getting past engineering school and my job slump (even though I was internally driven that these were must-things-to-do) - And fear surrounded those events also - I eventually made it past because of either my parents, my peers, my wife, or occasionally me).

I keep thinking I'm rambling.

All in all, I need to support my wife and help her(us) get through this so we can have our children and start growning our family. The fall holidays are here and it's an unbearable time for my wife. I feel the lack, but certainly not to the same extent that she does. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need structure in my life. I move when prodded, but don't like to be forced. I feel for my wife, and her pain, and her life-disappointment.

Maybe it's my lesson to become completely non-selfish and put my thoughts & feelings aside and push, push, push us through another IVF cycle. The problem is then that I'm ignoring my inner guidance (which is unclear presently, but errs on the side of finding some sort of spiritual/naturopathic treatment-work).

I'll leave you all now with my prayers...

I ask now that Spirit guide me to make the best decisions & actions that align with me and my wife's desire to have children together. So be it. Thank you.

Fertility awareness

2005-10-15T02:20:00.000-05:00

As a man, I generally feel quite detached from emotional stuff concerning infertility. Perhaps I'm a selfish fellow, or, as you know from my previous posts, I don't like getting into a negative mindset.

Unfortunately I must make a confession... PollyAnna has stepped out for a little while. While my wife rejoices at this notion, the idea that I'm not as strong in my positivo convictions as I previously projected, I feel that I'm finally coming out of the relatively long 1-month tunnel of doubt. It was a time of detachment, not the good kind, but more of a numbing kind - where you just don't want to think about it because you feel like you just threw away $15 Grand. No results. No money back. No refunds. No warrantees. It's a sucky place to be in. Before, the whole process was a bit beyond me. I didn't want to get involved too much, perhaps I had an inkling of an idea of the risks and I was scared and I didn't want to throw myself in there for risk of getting too hurt. I must say that women are powerful creatures. I'll leave the bulk of that statement to another post, but briefly, women have such a great capacity to withstand pain emotionally & physically that I definately feel that they are stronger than men. I feel that it's part of my (and mankind's) path to re-join with feminine-strength and sensibility. For awhile I didn't want to move forward, to read about anything, to do anything. Just numb. Comfortably Numb.

Anyway, I digress - I also find that men just have a hard time getting in touch with our feelings, especially on difficult, complex things that are beyond our control, i.e. infertility. Men like to control. They like to build, to construct, to mold & form matter into things. When things are outside of our control, like femininity, emotional volatility, hormones, health issues that aren't easily solved, etc. It's difficult for the male mind to connect - at least for me and a handful of guys that I know - The guys I know that have families, spouses, and even a few of the single ones also. One friend that I was chatting with today has a hard time talking to his wife about deep complex stuff. But after the wife showed him some emails that she wrote to her friends online, he suddenly got this huge understanding of a deeper side of her. It was amazing for him. I suggested that they both start blogging, for even though I don't update this site much, I know it's helpful for my wife. It's alot easier to blurt out all that you're thinking here, without interruption, and then have someone else review it all at once. When trying to dicuss things verbally, there may be too many misunderstandings along the way that can get you into trouble.

So, one of the things I decided to do was to improve my EQ. I bought myself a couple of Dr. Laura relationship books. I like her straight to the point manner in which she gets things done. No nonsense therapy. I've been trained well by Alex ;) In any case, this technique works for me. No victims, martyrs, or excuses allowed. Even though I just started, I am learning about my male-insecurities from being with a powerful woman (that's what I liked about her, amongst other things). I'm learning about the difference between privacy and secrets - that I need to share my feelings more rather than keeping them bottled up inside. This is the best sort of therapy because it puts in your face the issues at hand, and then you deal and try to make changes.

On another level, I'm craving to have more like-minded, high-vibration, kind-hearted, married men in my life to compare notes with. Not growing up with a father that you can talk to certainly creates difficulties later in life, but this, like most things, can eventually be solved. I have a great support network, and the fact that I've bought a powerful book and that I'm starting to admit to some of my issues is a big step for me. Great things are on the way. Btw, I must admit. Even though times can sometimes be very challenging and you feel beating the other person occasionally - I am very appreciative of all of it. It's from times like this that you grow. Life is good.

Anyway, personally, I'm at a stage of my life where I feel like I'm rapidly maturing on a spiritual level. I'm getting really good at meditating, achieving states of relaxation and versatility with my energetic body know-how. From the development of these faculties, I've been paying attention to my thoughts & my feelings that lead me in certain directions from time to time (or all the time, if I pay attention to it). So I was led to a book that I know Alex kept in the basement but has never read.

The book is called "Conscious Conception" - I was drawn to this book and I swear, it seems to be the answer to my call for becoming more connected to (in)fertility. I just started the book, and I'm in love with it already. It's a fertility/spiritual treat perfect for the budding new-age hippy HinJew. It's all about getting in touch with your feelings, Spirit, Mother Earth, cycles of nature, natural stuff - Good Earthly stuff that resonantes with me. I have a strong feeling that this book is going to be transformative for me. I promise to post updates as I come upon them. Wait - here's one thing I found of interest...

The 1st section that really struck me is the element Earth - (the book is divided into sections based on 5-element theory) - and it was relating for a moment that even though a barren dessert has no water and little life, if you dig deep enough, surely you will find moisture.

Everything is not as it seems.

The Big Wait

2005-09-08T16:36:00.000-05:00

It's now the time of the Big Wait, at least for me. I am cut off from communicating with my wife until I get back to town, for I'm presently in Seoul, Korea on business. This is a little harder now because for the first few days I was here we were constantly talking to each other over Skype, but now we're cut off from each other. The reason is that whether she's super-happy or super-sad, she needs to experience those emotions with me in her grasp.

It's been a tough week - trying to go with the flow, yet at the same time making time for praises of thanks for having an opportunity to be pregnant (not me, her). I admit, it's been tough staying focused on being positive, and sometime my mind wanders to the negative, but I think the best I can do is to clear my mind, stay in the moment & stay in the flow.

I'm very worried for Alex, I can feel my heart crumbling at the thought of her crying profusely alone. She has a good support network, but most likely she will want to be alone at least for awhile. In any case during the time that we spoke, she sounded somewhat prepared for negative results. Pollyanna here, butting in - perhaps she will test pregnant in the near future, if it's negative now. Like a delayed response.

On top of all of this, we recently came upon a business opportunity that would be very difficult for us to give up. We would be minority partners in a very lucrative business that has lots of potential, the only stipulation is that it would be like a 9-5 job, and without putting much thought into it, I know if she is prego, that she'd want to be a full-time mom at home. Perhaps there can be flexible ways of working this out... I don't know. Again, metaphysically, the only solace I have right now is living in the present moment - not thinking about the future, just working on what I need to do or be right now.

That is my challenge for the rest of this week, until saturday night.

The Wait...

2005-09-01T18:08:00.000-05:00

So the wait has begun... We transferred 3 embryos about a week ago and Alex & I have been praying ever since. Non-stop. Almost every morning I do some energy-work to the pictures of our 3 embryos that sits in our bedroom on top of one of those purple energy plates, with a crystal on it, next to the cd-player playing non-stop Om Namah Shivayah (recommended by our good friends who play it in the background to ward off evil spirits, and to help growing embryos), and then continue to offer my thanks to god for getting us pregnant. We both do alot of spiritual work to try to make these things grow strongly & healthily.

Anyway, the problem is that I'm getting confused with respect to when to be positive and when to FEEL and go into my emotions. This turned into an argument last night. Actually, this issue comes up often. I think I focus on being positive as much as possible when it comes to something that happen in the future, with respect to the manifestation concept. What we think, we create (delayed, of course). I've had many examples of this in my life, and I'm getting the feeling that this phenonema is quickening. The Feeling side of me that wants to get melancholic, moody, depressed, etc. - perhaps that should be reserved for other occasions. The problem is that there is alot of overlap. For instance, I may get depressed about money. Because I know thinking & feeling bad about myself & situation will make things worse (with respect to Universal Attraction), I always stop myself. But, at the same time, I recognize that we're here to also have a human experience, to feel, to feel pain as well as great joy.

Then there is the issue with my wife, or others for that matter. If they're depressed and they want to be consoled, do I try to console in my typical pollyanna way or maybe just stay quiet, listen, acknowledge, or perhaps - GASP! share my own pain for a moment. Lately I'm starting to think that if what we think manifests with a delay of sorts, then that gives me enough time to get into the feeling of whatever needs to be felt, whether for myself or for others, and then later on I can get grounded, clear my thoughts & then project my positive creative intentions out to the collective unconsciousness.

IVF Fun

2005-08-23T16:17:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone... It's been a long time. Frankly speaking, even though I get plenty of encouragement from my wife and others, I don't feel too attached to writing about infertility issues. It's just not my thing.

On the other hand, since we're now heading for the final stretch of our IVF treatment, I am excited.

In my view, this IVF adventure has been very interesting. As some of you have heard, I've gotten into my share of trouble on more than a few occasions, and have since tried to pull myself out, with difficulty, to only find myself back in shortly thereafter.

First there was the Lupron - that was fun ;) Aside from my wife's mood swings & reactions to the meds, I think I've handled her well. The lady was all over the place, but at least it wasn't as much fun as Clomid. That's my favorite. This one guy who has recently entered our life has me reading some cool spritual stuff, like Autobiography of a Yogi, and so on, and I am so very thankful that I'm into this sort of thing - it really helps regulate me.

Then the wonderful world of injections started (for me). My wife was always more worried about the injections than I was - for good reason! I still have the opinion that the worst one is the Lupron, because you psychologically have to get over that hump to stab yourself every day. At least with me, it's out of her control - a surprise everytime. Especially that one time that I was being arrogant about thinking the alcohol evaporated when it really hadn't. More fun. Not really. I felt really bad. I hate pain, but when I hear my wife complain about pain, which she doesn't (honestly, I think she welcomes it - now that's sick), then I get really concerned. In fact ever since her ovaries have started growing, I hear alot of her pain, and it does concern me. But that's not all.

On top of all of this, she has a dental bridge that's coming loose and is saying that she would rather endure the constant dental pain of having a pinched nerve in her mouth than potentially poison her eggs, etc. I do understand, it's just a double-edged sword I guess. Pain sucks, and I avoid it at almost all costs, except for my not-so-regular colonic routine which is indeed painful, but I figure it will relieve me of a great deal of future pain physically, emotionally, as well as financially.

So, we just got cleared for retrieval in 2 days. I'm really siked at this point because I can taste it. From the advice of 2 psychic practitioners, various psychic friends (no, not the Psychic Friends Network), and a constant manifestation of creative visualizations, affirmations & prayer - I envision myself holding my child very soon in one of those over-the-shoulder-baby-holders. Walking to the park, dancing at my brother's wedding, etc.

From the way that I've recently felt connected to the canine race, at least the very ones who share my bed every night, I feel more prepared than ever in my life to be a father. From the diarhea event a few days ago (3-4 huge piles), I transformed my plight into preperatory initiation into baby-turd cleaning, etc. There's a silver lining to every cloud, I like to think. From occasionally coming upon baby stuff & pictures on the web - I feel good things are on the way. On top of that, I still get my many numerical signs every day that let me know that something great is just around the corner(clocks, receipts, bills with numerical anomalies like- 11:11, 11:22, 11:33, 11:33, 9:11, 2:22, 3:33, etc). Yes I'm continuing off of the deep end looking for positive symbolism in everything - whatever works! In fact, I'm not sure if I wrote about my relatively new job (My Dream Job), but in the months & weeks preceeding my acquisition of this job, I saw the very same numbers all of the time.

Anyway, onward we go. From our hCG shot tonight, the next couple of days are going to be fun, followed by our 1st operation on Thursday. I'm siked and positive as usual. Life is great!

Thank you for putting up with my rambles, my frequent sabbaticals, and my pollyanna view of everything wonderful in my life.

Namaste.

Amazing Changes

2005-03-06T01:54:00.000-06:00

It's been an interesting week or two since my last post...My life is drastically transforming for the better since my last bitch session.

You probably read on my wife's blog that we decided to move to Mexico. Well, the moment that I made a conscious decision to make it real - without holding back and getting nervous and quitting before I even begain - at that moment, life started to change for the better. Way better.

I now have two jobs to look forward to when we get back from our trip to S. Africa: one is a part-time job where I'll be a distributor & consultant for renewable energy & energy management (something that really interests me), and I recently landed a full-time position in logistics business development. Now, the 2nd job, the one that's full-time - I question how wonderful it's going to be, but I'm going to give it a hearty effort. Especially since it will most likely include infertility insurance (I still need to check on it, but apparently co's w/over 50 employees in IL are mandated to offer it :)) Anyway, things are starting to look up. On top of that, with a steady paycheck, we'll be able to realize our goal of setting up our rental business so we can make enough passive income to live on while in Mexico.

On top of all of the great things going on right now... Today (yesterday, since it's almost 2am), I went to see a local lecture by one of the channels that I have recently been into. His name is Steve Rother and he channels "The Group" (check him out at www.lightworker.com) who offers excellent life-advice from the other side of the human veil. Anyway, after the presentation I met with Steve for a free 2-minute reading where I asked about our infertility woes, and his insight. Well, Mr. Positivo was right - he strongly reassured me that we shouldn't be concerned at all, and that it was going to happen soon enough, when everything in our life aligns correctly (I got the impression that it's not that far away). He said that we should expect at least 2 contracts (life contracts) and the 1st one is going to be a girl. This information is everything I expected from my heart. It's sure nice to get some sort of reaffirmation of what we know to be true on the inside.

On a side note, ever since I chose engineering as a field, I have considered it as a way of accessing my creative side. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. For the past few years I've been exploring some of my visions & intuitions regarding my artistic side - making drawings, etc. I'm really interested in sculpting & creating jewelry, but can't seem to find the time or stability to devote any real period of time to it. So, Steve goes on to tell me that I should be aware of a big shift that's going to be coming into my life soon where I'll be shedding my engineering skin, and moving on to exploring my vast creative potential. I see this Mexico move as the catalyst for making this happen. It can happen there!

Anyway, as Steve talked about in his lecture today... One of the purposes of our lives is to find our passion in life and then pursue it. My life has been stagnant ever since I diverged from my true path. And it's super-amazing how quickly things could change for you when you first start to question "How well is this working for me?" followed by a strong decision to create positive change in your life. Simply amazing.

Anyway, ever since I was introduced to channelled speakers & writings, I have been completely addicted! These sources are like modern-day biblical sources, offering up-to-the minute truths and insight into what is going on in our personal lives as well as the big picture. There are many great sites on the web (and incidentally I'm creating a channelled-art portal in my spare time) that include writings similar to Steve Rother. Some of my favorites: Kirael.com and Kryon.com (the 1st channelled entity that I was introduced to - speaks alot about technology, and makes many predictions that we should look out for. He also highlights current news events that directly correlate to predictions that were made in the past. Cool stuff!).

Well, I made an appointment for us to have a 45-minute reading this week - I can't wait to learn more!

Back from the dead...sort of.

2005-02-15T00:32:00.000-06:00

Hello fellow infertile bloggers... Sorry to have been away for such a long time. My wife has been asking me to write many times over, and someone has recently commented on how they would like to hear more about my opinions on these matters.

Truthfully though I haven't been in the mood to write - In my mind I haven't had time, for I felt a need to work-work-work to get a job - as you know from my wife's blog, our lives have been stagnant for a very long time. First of all career-wise, since moving here and getting my masters' I have soon determined that maybe the my choice of career was not the best one for me. It kinda sucks when you've been pressured by your parents your whole life to succeed and to do well in school and to realize that maybe a mistake has been made, because when I think about electrical engineering these days (computer engineering), I cringe. Luckily, in the most recent of times I've started upon a new path that's engineering-related (so I can at least somewhat please my parents and maybe make a decent living too), and also related to my relatively new-found sense of socio-environmental consciousness. That at least feels right.

Secondly, I realize that even though I've been coming out of my shell socially, and more, I have to admit that I don't think about things too deeply, or even at all sometimes. My entire life has revolved about career & money, my parents show little or no affection for each other (except superficially), and I've always been attracted to the inner worlds, primarily the metaphysical & the occult. Anyway, I'm having alot of trouble in my life with balance: primarily because I have this mindset that I need to work my ass off in order to get a job (studying,applying,networking,etc). And with the constant reminder from my parents regarding that I should always be looking and "how many resumes did you send out today" - I am constantly thinking about keeping my financial ship afloat. I am lost in a sea, barely keeping my head above water.

With my mind so focused on career and financial security (stability), I have a hard time thinking deeply about stuff that really matters - family, friends, & giving back.

Since I'm in the middle of job-changing insecurities, and financial instabilities. A place where I've been before - but did the same thing that I have always done - Worked Hard (also from working at a startup company for 3 years and having entrepreneurial parents who worked hard their entire lives) - I have just recently decided to try something different.

I will trust God/Spirit more to lead me to the situations where I will come upon the most perfect career/financial opportunities, when I put my intention out to the universe. I will drastically change my approach to life. I'll still study/apply/network, but this time with alot less seriousness. I'm starting to spend more time meditating, calming my energies down so I can deal with the days. I have recently started a workbook that I _actively_ work from thinking about issues: from manifestation of my goals, self-improvement stuff, spiritually-based exercises for growth, and to things that I should ponder in my life - the deep stuff. The stuff that I don't spend time looking at because it's too serious. Too painful to think about. I realize that to create positive change in my life, I need to change the way I think - to actually think - to ponder, to brood, to face the uncomfortable feelings that come along with thinking. Family is very important to me, but my rat-race ways have been keeping me away from my core.

Time for change.

For a long time as I warmed up to the idea of having kids, I thought about them all the time and looked out for them in the outside world. Now, Although I see them and love to see how cute they are, I realize that there is a feeling that's missing - my feeling of everlasting hope of having a child. With our financial challenges, I don't see us moving forward towards our attempts at IVF or international adoption. I see my wife depressed, without excitement of life, and I've fallen into a funk myself - not knowing how to solve this problem. I'm a solver - and maybe I'm not a good solver, but at least I like to try, usually. Perhaps I'm in the same state as my wife, but I don't claim ownership of it like she does. I just pretend that everything will work out - put on a smiling face - and pray for the best. I spend alot of my conscious time trying to connect spiritually, but emotionally, I've been not-there. It's difficult to be emotionally brave. At least some of it is at my attention. I just hope that I can stick with the momentum of this paradigm shift to really change.

Babies of the World

2004-12-14T01:48:00.000-06:00

This last weekend we went to a Children of the World Christmas Party that was really cool... Inside of a large room of a community center, with a huge stage and Santa, there were kids running amok from many different nationalities, having a great time with each other.

They were all so very cute, dancing, playing, play-fighting, tumbling, running... Oh - I just wanted one so bad. Any of them. Soon-Soon... I know it will happen soon. I am totally committed to it, a far cry from a few years ago. But now, I'm completely ready. Hopefully we'll get some things cleared up and we'll be on our way to filling out an application!

Anyway, just seeing these kids made my heart warm up, and my tears fall. Soon...

Jealousy at Work

2004-12-07T13:05:00.000-06:00

So I'm at work now, helping process health insurance applications and it kinda sucks being exposed to people who have kids coming out of their wazoo. One of the partners of the office next-door has 5 kids. So, I'm filling out the app, daydreaming about how great it would be to have one of my own. Then I start getting delusional - role-playing in my head how I'm going to ask him if I can have one of them, to keep. As I go through this torture, I have this deep pit in my stomach, and a feeling of being pathetic for thinking these things.

The rollercoaster

2004-12-02T23:16:00.000-06:00

Being infertile is such a rollercoaster, and at the moment I'm feeling quite scatterbrained, so I apologize if my writing is badly written... I'm actually starting to get frustrated (normally I'm pretty patient about our situation) with the number of options available, and the rollercoaster of emotions of trying to figure out which is the best direction to move in.

Over the past couple of days Alex has been bouncing back and forth between adoption in Guatemala or Panama. But yesterday I was hearing that adoption is on the back burner and our natural child-birth woes are on the front. Today, it's reverse once again.

I must say that my wife's emotions are all over the place. As her husband... I sometimes don't know what to think. Personally, I am working towards adoption at this very moment... clearing up some past problems (speeding tickets), aggressively working on getting our finances into better shape, and helping with the country of origin and finding a suitable agency.

It's frustrating figuring out the best way to get a healthy infant from a S. America to our loving arms for an economical price, from a reputable agency, and in a reasonable time period. I guess it's not that hard in reality, we just need to focus on the country that will give us what we want, and then find an agency that works in that particular country. Still, with the various reports and testimonials out there going everywhichway, it's still confusing.

Anyway, enough for now... time for bed...

Depression & Time-management

2004-10-28T01:27:00.000-05:00

How does one deal with depression every day? I feel bad for my wife, she feels depressed alot & I often don't know how to deal. I do my best to console her, but I feel cheap saying that "It will all work out" and all of the other lines that I dish out (But really do believe), all of the time.

Being the primary breadwinner of the family, and a Cancer who tends to have his mind in the clouds, fantasizing (er, correction: visualizing & manifesting) I tend to get caught up in career-oriented stuff. I have a problem of spending too much time on the computer (chronically speaking). In addition to my need to focus on career-searches, business & social networking, working on the website, reading the news & studying up on various topics of interest, I guess it's all really addicting. My wife is right that I'm a work-a-holic, kinda. I tend to get distracted easily. See, right now, my main goal is to expand my business network and try to find my way into a higher paying job (or any job as of last week). I am accused of not spending enough time with my wife, or researching adoption, or exploring/interacting with others on an intra-weekly basis in the infertile blogosphere. It's a tough job. (Sorry, just had to throw in a Bush-quote :)) I guess it's a matter of balance - something I struggle with daily (ONLY when I have alot on my mind that I'd like to accomplish). Other times, I enjoy reading together in bed, watching TV/Movies together, exercise together, etc.

Am I so wrong... Maybe it's just the man's role in the relationship to be driven to succeed. So my sperm is slow & wobbly - as the predominantly positive person, I KNOW things will work out fine, we just have to visualize the results we want and stop being so negative (please forgive me - this is my internal dialogue and I would never voice these words to any infertile, being that the voicing these words are known as breaking one of the many commandments of infertility). The reality is that I just don't worry about these things too often. Maybe I should. The problem for me is that I get distracted easily and forget to get back to things when inertia runs out. Like Native American adoption - I was so gung-ho on the process, but when we learned that my wife's grandmother didn't have the name of the relative that was part of the Cherokee bloodline, and that further research (which I'm not sure either of us knows what to do) would be a big effort, things just petered out. I'm still immensely interested, but I need information.

I guess part of my struggle is finding the balance. Another part of my issue on the computer is that I need to do more prioritizing, less procrastination of the important stuff, save the interesting stuff for last, and when I'm working on something, I have to learn how to drop something in the middle and pick it up again later on. That's a biggie for me. I have a very hard time picking up where I left off. The ideal thing for me is to work straight through on something. Interruptions suck, but they do happen.

Infertile Water

2004-10-24T02:03:00.000-05:00

The other day I stopped at the local university where I graduated a few years back and stopped by this relatively new office in one of the engineering buildings that housed a new organization on campus, EPRI. The guy in the office was nice enough to chat with me for a while and gave me a copy of some of the recent research abstracts(since I've lately become alot more interested in environmental science & sustainability, in additional to my interests in learning a little about everything).

Anyway, when I got in the car and started reading some of the summaries, one paper caught my attention. I don't have it in front of me, but basically it referred to a study that was done in the year 2000 where it was known that in the Springtime there were increased levels of some toxic herbicides from local farms flowing into the local rivers - and this water was then used to supply some of our public water (after treatment, of course). But, before the time of this study, the municipal water treatment plant didn't treat these chemicals, and most importantly, I don't think the public was informed at all!

I just find it amazing that the local chemi-farms are able to use toxic chemicals on their land that run-off into local streams & rivers, and ultimately into our tap water. Back in the year 2000 & before I drank tap water regularly, having heard from a number of sources that it was safe.

Anyway, my point is that I've (& the public) is regularly exposed to all sorts of hazardous chemicals, and maybe this is a major factor in my infertility issues (low sperm motility). There are probably other issues as well involving everyday poisins. I recently gave a speech to my local toastmasters club informing my audience of some of the everyday poisins that we liberally apply to our body including chlorine from swimming pools, petro-based makeup products, hair products, perfumes, and all sorts of toxic ingredients in our typical american processed foods.

The thing is that the city water treatment plant knew that it was pumping certain levels of herbicides (i.e. atrazine) and other toxic chemicals into our water supply for YEARS, and this may be a reason why my wife and I are having problems having children. We're both chemically sensitive. Maybe regular 'breeders' have higher tolerances. Maybe the whole idea is BS, I don't know. I do know that many of these toxic substances have a cumulative effect in the body since the body may not be designed to remove some of these synthetic toxins naturally (w/o chelation therapy or something). My dentist recently told me that it would probably be a huge help to remove the mercury fillings from my mouth, stating that the amount of mercury in someone's mouth typically contains enough toxic substance where if the same amount was discovered in a local lake, etc., then the EPA would shut down access to the lake (or something like that).

I'm outraged that companies, and government agencies don't do a good enough job letting the public know that we are being poisoned, and that this is probably affecting my fertility (and other health issues). I guess it's no wonder that illness, cancer, and a variety of other diseases run rampant in this world - a chemical veil is over our eyes.

Enough ranting for now - goodnight!

Native American Dreams

2004-09-12T18:25:00.000-05:00

Last Night I had a dream that I had adopted a Native American child. In the dream, it was actually a little boy and I remember questioning in the dream whether we were to name him ourselves (we actually though about a name... I remember it being something like "walks with feather"), or whether he should take on the name that his parents left him with. All of this leaves me with a question, although it's probably stupid...pre-adopted children: Are they referred to as some birth-given name, or are they not given names at all when handed over to adoption agencies, or do the agencies themselves name them? Or are they referenced by case file # or by the parent's names? Just a curiousity.

I understand why I dreamed had a dream on Native Americans - it's because I picked up an awesome magazine at the new-age store called "Sacred Hoop" - a magazine about modern-day shaminism, tools, etc. It's an amazing mag and I would really like to collect the funds together to purchase the entire set (all 45 or so issues). Maybe I'll check e-bay to see if I can get it on the cheap.

So, I had this interesting dream and today, while catching up with my wife on the details of our house situation, she said it was strange because she was just online yesterday looking up Native American Adoptions... cool stuff!

My search has now begun looking for a child of native descent - what's involved, what agencies support it, etc. It would be really cool if we adopted a child of Cherokee descent, since my wife has Cherokee blood in her too. As an added bonus, I have recently in the past 3 years become very interested in native cultures: their ceremonies, medicine, & spiritual side. Maybe I'm really a recent 'walk-in' of native ancestry...

Well, like God sending us a message with an offer on our building, maybe this is a sign as well - something that we're both looking into!

Adopted people are cool!

2004-09-04T10:58:00.000-05:00

Last night I met my a friend of my brother who was adopted, along with his sister into a family that never had any natural-born children. He was a super-nice, really-cool guy. So we talked for a little while about what it was like for him, and he basically said that it felt no different than anything else - that he feels so completely loved by his parents, and even feels more love from them than he sees in many others who come from natural parents (whereby maybe many parents who are just naturally fertile sometimes take it for granted, letting their guard down in terms of the gift they have received). We see it all the time - I just saw it the other day when a woman in the grocery store was pulling hard at the arms and yelling/complaining at her child who was screaming in the grocery store. I surely felt bad for that little guy, for he had parents who didn't have the patience & nurturing nature that all kids surely deserve. Maybe it was just a bad day - I shouldn't pass judgement, for I'm sure there will be times when I will want to blow up at my kid, I just have a feeling that I'd be able to control myself better, and I know that I'd really try to understand my child's needs during moments just like this.

Anyway, little moments like the meeting last night are God's affirmations of what can be, in a very positive sense.

Looking forward to adoption even more now.

Kids Smiling at me...

2004-08-26T11:50:00.000-05:00

Right now I'm in Huntington Beach, CA on a business trip for about 2 months with a small at-home break in-between. It's really cool that while I'm here I get to spend alot of time on the weekends with my brother - we've been hitting some touristy spots, the beach, etc. What's interesting to me is that I am noticing that there are alot of little kids who catch my eye - smiling at me (or maybe someone behind me, who knows). Anyway, what does it mean? Do they see you as a pure soul who's going through alot of pain wishing for one of their own to come along? Do they see that I'm a natural fit to be a father - a really good one? It happens all the time.

I'm also noticing alot of transracial kids running around with their white families, and it's a nice thing to see... Just makes me excited about having our adopted children from S. America someday!

Children by the Dill Tree

2004-08-14T11:27:00.000-05:00

Kids everywhere.
-Running, screaming, wearing antennae hats, climbing all over the place, playing with our dog...
Cuteness everywhere.
-Sadness & Hope.

Visiting my brother in Sherman Oaks, we went a local park to hang out and as soon as we arrived, despite the beautiful weather, I immediately noticed the kids that were everywhere...

Parents were hanging out too - young professionals, stay-at-home moms, and others. I had a good time ultimately, playing frisbee with my bro, but ended up talking about the usual infertility stuff with my bro's gf. Usual stuff, no new insights or anything except for the discussion about some of the hard-core emotional problems adopted kids sometimes get. She runs a school in LA for kids that are emotionally disturbed, and has seen it 1st hand - some of these kids can be pretty rough. But, when you're in our shoes, we'll take our chances and we feel confident that we'll be able to raise our adopted child in an environment with enough openness that they'll be able to grow into themselves despite being of a different race/culture than their parents. I think we are comfortable enough to let our kids experience their native culture as they grow up, and it will be nice for us as well, since we love experiencing different cultures - especially their food. We're not worried about that stuff. We just want a chance!

It's totally a non-issue.

-David

Crying at Weddings...

2004-08-07T01:03:00.000-05:00

Most people cry at weddings for the usual reasons... The beautiful bride... transitioning from a bachlorettedom to couplehood; Leaving the nest for good... Starting a new life with her new husband...

Not me. As of tonight, at a wedding of one of my wife's friends, I started a subtle cry session unbeknownst to anyone including my wife. Before the wedding procession began, I started to pay attention to all of the kids crying, talking (babyspeak), and playing with their coloring books. As the wedding proceeded and the adorable ring-bearers approached the front of the chapel, my heart began to swell. They were so cute! During the ceremony, as the child of one of the bridesmaids began to cry, the grandfather (I think) offered to take care of the tot (off to the side), probably to reminisce with the feeling of once being a father and taking care of one or more of his own. I remember the expression on his face when he finally returned with the baby in his arms, calm and all, totally satisfied - for volunteering to console his great-grand-daughter during the wedding service.

I guess it's a mandatory rule that all kids at weddings have to be cute. It just makes things harder for the temporary infertile (There I go again... being positive...(Alex will probably tell you it's a disease!)).

So, Soon after I silently began to tear up, I quickly regained my stature to avert any chain-reactions coming from my wife standing next to me. It still hurt though. Kind of bitter-sweet actually, where I'm happy to see the kids and I'm rather entertained by them nowadays, but still longing for some of my own.

Then, during the reception as I walked to the bar to get a couple of drinks, someone's kid grabs hold of my leg and starts swinging from it. Oh Wow. It felt great for a split second. The connection. Then the awkwardness of someone seeing their kid swinging from the leg of some stranger. And ending with a feeling of happy-sadness - wishing for one of my own. I felt the feelings come and go all throughout the reception, especially when the kids were on the dance floor expressing themselves without any hint of negative self-conciousness. Pure play. Pure expression.

In any case...At least I don't have any other weddings on the horizon - for at least another year - hopefully ! (Unless we get pregnant, of course!).

First Thoughts...

2004-07-26T22:54:00.000-05:00

It has been suggested by my wife that I start a blog about infertility from the male point-of-view...

For a long time she has asked me to consider it and I have always responded with disinterest - I have always felt that there are better ways for me to spend my time... say - by just being positive and wishing/affirming/projecting/ and just plain hoping for the best. For the past 3 years or so that I have been dealing with infertility, my emotions have pretty much just been on the sidelines. When my wife would feel upset about the issue, I would console her, and during these times I would tend to feel somewhat connected to the issue, but still on the sidelines (my positive mental attitude carried me very far those days). Also, I have noticed my wife become more cynical & disillusioned about kids in general - the strange thing is... is that as time is going by, many of the things that currently bother my wife are now starting to bother me. Maybe the past few years of "Serenity Now" are finally catching up with me.

A number of circumstances have happened recently - I don't remember all/any of them. Wait... Maybe I'll think of a situation soon... Nope! Maybe next time. But I do remember the feelings... Seeing kids, especially young cute international ones make me long for a child. Seeing various people doing everyday sporty activities, but with their babies/kids makes me feel a tad jealous these days. Thinking about how we may have to pay $15k+ to have a child is starting to wear my emotions thin these days, especially when we're living in tight times anyway.

Just thinking about all of this is starting to make my heart hurt. Even my naive thoughts that my 4 cats & 1 dog are my kids are starting to lose their effects.

In anycase, I must press onward, with hope.... why? Because it's a long way down, and I'd rather keep my head in the clouds than down & out.

Till next time...